i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?