broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
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If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
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BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely