it wasn't lemon gatorade
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Randomize
