Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Randomize
