Your tits are I can't wait for
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
