READY
for what?
TO HAVE SEXXXX
i think you have the wrong number
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Randomize
