My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Is her dick bigger than yours?
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
Randomize
