hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
