i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
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