Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
