I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
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