My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
