I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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