I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
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