Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
where are my eyebrows?
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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