I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
