I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
Randomize
