i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Randomize
