Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
