Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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