did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
Randomize
