So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize
