you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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