I'm gonna have a badass scar
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
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I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
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I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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