I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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