Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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