I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
