Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
it's like iHOP with fire
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
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