I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
She's just so happy...and so naked.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
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