Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Yes. Hungover. All the boys are going wakeboarding. Boys only. I wish I was a gay guy so I could go wakeboarding but still suck dick.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
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