i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Randomize
