I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I thought I came here to hook up, not for a Study Abroad 101 session
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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