I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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