We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
