I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
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