If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
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No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
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