end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
Randomize
