Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
Randomize
