never play flip cup with pint glasses
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
Are we still banned from the library?
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
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