that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
Randomize
