What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
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