some girl that im facebook friends with has H1N1, im scared to even go to her facebook page
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
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