dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Randomize
