Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Randomize
