If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
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