i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
