so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
Randomize
