dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
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