Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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