Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Randomize
