I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
