last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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