We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
i used baking grease as lip gloss
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Randomize
