Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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