there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
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