I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Randomize
