if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
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