would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
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