It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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