he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
Randomize
