there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
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